Blogging questions, appointments with babies, why everything in the world is terrible, unintentional hilarity, AND A CONTEST.

IT IS A FULL DOCKET TODAY YOU GUYS.

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I am not used to this back and forth thing, when it comes to blogging. It was never a conversation for me in the beginning. I mean, waaaaaaaaay back in 2004 when I had my first blog (since abandoned and deleted because DAMN, KID.) I did have people that commented occasionally but they were my friends. In school. Where I saw them every day. And the subsequent blog on tumblr was...not good for carrying on a discussion between people.

So, I'm asking for advice on this. Do you like when a blogger responds individually to your comment? Do you think that it weighs down the conversation/topic as a whole? How do you feel about a response being a couple days late (because of personal obligations or if I can't get to a computer)? Does this make you feel like you are left out or forgotten?  Do you care about this topic at all? Is there something I am forgetting to ask in here? If so, what? How can I make your time here more enjoyable?

I want this to be a place that you like, and I want to foster and develop friendships here, but I am in general a Nervous Over-thinking Person and a non-commenter. I am asking for your input on this because I value you. Yes, YOU.  I honestly cherish every note that y'all have taken the time out of your day to write me.

I would like you to know how exactly how much you mean to me, and I will do whatever is in my power show you.

***

If you follow me on Twitter you might have already seen this but one of my coworkers brought in his newborn great-grandson today and he was so squishy! And cute! And had the adorable neck folds! And big bright eyes and OMG THE CHEEKS.

AND THEN MY COWORKER TOOK HIM BACK TO HIS PARENTS BEFORE I COULD SNIFF HIS WEE HEAD.

UM, EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT I HAVE A STANDING APPOINTMENT WITH ALL THE BABIES IN THE WORLD, EVER, FOR HEAD SNIFFING. DOES THE WORD "APPOINTMENT" MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?

Coworkers are really inconsiderate sometimes.

***

There's this thing that happened and it is so awful and I just need you to shudder along with me.
There was a piece of used gum wrapped in one of the pallets today and I BRUSHED AGAINST IT ACCIDENTALLY WITH MY NAKED HAND.
IT WAS STILL STICKY.
WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY CARBOLIC ACID AT WORK.


So basically now I have to:

1. Cut off my hand.
2. Run a DNA test on the piece of offending gum.
3. VENGEANCE.

There is no other way, you guys. No other way. 

***

After blushing every time I think about the hose clamp thing all day today, I started thinking about the unintentionally hilarious things that I've heard people say over the years. There are a couple that popped to mind pretty much immediately but this one remains the funniest (to me. I am highly objective! Also, it's a Christian guy that this happened to, so I figure if he ever finds this blog he'll forgive me for the embarrassing story I'm about to tell.)

ANYWAY. When I was in middle/high school I was a Highly Active Church Youth. As is tradition we would go and do "retreats" which involved doing charity work, usually out-of-town. On this particular excursion we had a very, very long road trip to get to where we were going. And you know that wherever you have a long trip plus bored teenagers you are going to have a lot of car games. You know the ones: the Cow Game, the Licence Plate Game, Punch Buggy, Punch When You See Something Outside And If You Say Something That's Already Been Said You Totally Get Punched Twice Ahahahaha Loser. (That's the official name of that game, btw.)

In an effort to get us all to bond and be all kumbaya and shit, (and also, if I am being completely honest, he probably did this to get us to stop fucking wailing on each other.) Nate, our youth pastor, started the Name Game.

--Wait, what? You don't know the NAME GAME?! OK. GOD. I KNOW THAT YOU KNOW IT BUT
I WILL REFRESH YOU.

It GOES like THIS:

"Kammah Kammah
Bo Bama
Banana Fana
Fo Fama
Me My Mo Mahmah
KAMMAH!"

So, we are traveling around the big ole van, yelling out names for the person who should go next and singing songs for Joe and Allison and Chelsea and Tony and Chris etc, etc. when Nate, our youth pastor, pipes up with "CHUCK!"

We didn't have a Chuck in our group, you guys.

Everyone laughs because 1) we don't have a Chuck, and 2) we know what we will be made to sing if we sing a song for imaginary Chuck.

Chris didn't pay attention to the fact that we weren't singing.

From the back of the van we all can hear a hale and hearty "CHUCK CHUCK BO BUCK BANANA FANA FO FUCK."

And then he clapped his hand over his mouth and turned bright red and we all laughed until we almost peed ourselves. And then we requested songs from Chris for MITCH!

***

I found this refrigerator magnet today.

Guys. It is what my friend from high school, Shaye, would call a kidnap van. With the words "Old Town Locksmiths and Kids" printed on it. For it's name. On the magnet. Where it promotes it's business.

OLD TOWN LOCKSMITHS AND KIDS.

DO YOU, DO YOU SEE, HOW COMPLETELY AWFUL AND INAPPROPRIATE AND HILARIOUS THAT IS?

Do you also see something missing in this photo? (I was covering up their address so you wouldn't send them fan/hate mail for their name.)

Do you SEE that it is missing an awful, inappropriate, hilarious SLOGAN?

You guys, we are obligated as THE INTERNET to make a slogan for this business. THIS IS WHAT WE DO.

I'm challenging you to come up with one and post it here in comments. Come up with as many as you want; I'm not worried about having to sift through a trillion entries to judge. Bring me your dark. Bring me your funny. Bring me your wit.

I'll choose my favorite next Wednesday, June 27th, and send off a little prize to you for your brilliance. I can't promise that it will be awesome, but it will probably be a little bit weird. And maybe from Target? I DON'T KNOW, I'M STILL FIGURING THIS WHOLE THING OUT, GET WRITING.

P.S. Please don't forget about giving me advice and feedback on blogger/reader relationships and what you would like from me. I would really, really appreciate it.