I'm sorry.
I know that I don't need to say that I'm sorry to you. I know that I don't need to explain why I've been gone, or how I've been feeling, or how I am today.
These days, there are so many more Good Days than Bad Days.
But oh. There are days like today where it just feels like I have overdosed on joy for all my friends about potential new jobs and possible new places for new lives and newborn babies and new engagements and I am so happy. I am so damn happy for everyone. And then I turn and look on my life and I see so little of the Big Joys for myself and I just...
I get so sad. Because everything they have is something that I don't. That I'm not even close to having. And it just throws everything into stark relief.
I know it isn't a race.
But I'm so tired of feeling like I'm standing still.
Oh, honey. I don't know what to say :( "It will happen" is so cliche and scripted. And while I really do believe it will happen, I don't want to be the jackass who can't think of anything better to say.
ReplyDeleteSo how about this: I love you, and I'm texting you a ridiculous picture of Lorelai.
That isn't the best feeling in the world and I know how it feels. You aren't alone and hopefully the little joys can hold you over a while longer until your big joy gets here.
ReplyDeleteWhat Erin said. And also, I think no one is ever where they want to be, ever, and it's better (for me, I mean) to just enjoy where I am rather than to keep thinking, "But I'm not THERE," and try and push and work harder. I am, uh, a bit of a do-er, and it is good sometimes to realize I need to be a ... be-er? Yeah. A Be-er.
ReplyDeleteAw Kammah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know you probably don't want to hear it from me because I feel like I am that "engagement" thing up there, but believe me, it will happen. It just takes time, but it will happen. But I still feel like an ass just saying that. Here's what we'll do..you're gonna come to my wedding and I'll set you up with one of Steve's friends, and if nothing else, you'll have a good night! :) Love you girl!
ReplyDeleteDude. You are a CATCH. And someone who is about half as awesome as you and perfect for you is out there. I promise.
ReplyDeleteIt sucks. I've felt like that, and it was miserable. I hope you feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteKAMMAH! I wish I could send you a chocolate bar that gives hugs. Also, I read Shalini's comment and thought, "Yes! Have a beer!" Totally holding out for the big joy over here.
ReplyDeleteOh God, Kammah, me, too! Despite all my Texas "stuff," I am so there right now. Everyone I know is getting! married! Or having! babies! Or making! money! Or losing! weight! Or any number of other exclamatory activities. And here I sit, right next to you. But that's something, right? At least we're not completely alone in this.
ReplyDeleteGood things are coming for you. Because good things are coming for me. And if I can have them, you MOST DEFINITELY can, too.